Examples of how I think
This page includes:
- A list of the concepts I use in my work
- Articles on various topics (as I write them)
2020, the year we were forced to admit that we are living in the unknown. In these unsettled times, new things will rise to the surface and maybe old problems will disappear, or worse, become bigger.
When people are put under stress very often they revert to automatic and unconscious behaviours and thoughts. These are excellent times to create deep and meaningful change. Happy and contented people don't feel motivated to face their fears or underlying assumptions and beliefs about how to live life. Yet these core beliefs and held emotions colour every aspect of how we live life.
In a nut shell now is a great time to change and evolve ourselves! To become happier,more loving, more understanding, more caring (of people and our planet), more relaxed.... To mature.
Whatever you are grappling with at home, if you are stuck on how to make it easier or better, I might very well be able to help. One hour (a session) could enhance your communication skills, hone your personal goals, clarify how you run your relationships or help you find new a direction in life. (oh, it can take more than one session but that's up to you!)
Concepts I use
Here are some of the concepts I use in my work and also my personal life.
- Being a whole person
- Taking responsible for our own feelings and DIS-OWNING feelings which are dumped on us
- All feelings are important and are saying something. We just have to
- We are happier when body, heart, mind and spirit are all working together and supporting each other.
- Communication skills REALLY HELP
- You can't know something until you know it! Other people too often don't understand the whole effect of what they are doing. Forgiveness
- It takes tremendous courage to embark on a course of real change, growing awareness and greater understanding
- Most pain is rooted in a lack of acceptance and understanding
- Every single little flower and plant in the garden is beautiful and precious and has its place in the garden. Same with people, everyone is precious.
A BIT OF A GIGGLE
So there's this book called Diets Don't Work. It's an oldie but a goodie. I referred one of my clients to it recently and it's changed their life.
There's a notion in there that you can be a thin person inside a fat body. This is a wonderful idea for so many reasons. Anyway, I was talking to my 16 year old son, explaining that a huge motivation in my life is to be efficient in order to reduce the overall amount of work I have to do. Efficiency means less effort. Mostly when I get stressed it's because I don't want more work! And then I had an insight. I am a lazy person inside a busy body! I might look busy all the time, but actually I'm wanting to achieve sitting down doing nothing.
So when I'm frying the onions , putting the washing on, texting, bringing dry washing in ready for the next load, adding the mince, putting out the recycling before it over-flows, wiping the benches... And the cat is sick..... It interrupts my flow and makes more work. Well most people would find that annoying but what about when your loving partner half fills the petrol tank to be helpful and all I can think about is "why didn't you fill it all up, it would only have taken a couple of extra minutes - and would have been so much more efficient!?" Well he had his reasons and I know I should be grateful.
At this point I realised I really did need a holiday! I also had the amusing thought that I'm a lazy person inside a very active body. Talking to my son I roared with laughter. He said
"Mum, I probably don't find this as funny as you do". Bless him. I was thinking of all the grownups I know who might relate.
THE MATTER OF SOCIAL MEDIA, COMPUTER GAMING AND ANXIETY
I don’t think it’s just me struggling with the issue of how to deal with my children’s use of their phones, gaming machines and the internet. I find it really hard. Hard to know what’s best. Hard to agree on that with my partner. Hard to handle that, to my satisfaction, with my teenagers. Well, I should say impossible!
I’m afraid of the consequences of this new technology that is changing month to month.
I’ve worked with parents my whole adult life, except for the 15 years I’ve just had off bringing up my children. Since returning to sessions I’m seeing many more teenagers. Young people suffering from anxiety which is often related to the extremely high expectations they have of their bodies, performances or living environment. This is probably a coincidence, a consequence of the wonderful word-of-mouth system. But still, it’s got me thinking. There was even an article in the Dominion Post recently about increasing numbers of young people presenting to health clinics with anxiety and related disturbances.
Young people are at risk of experiencing any of the following things, with no ideas of how to cope with them
- Loss of sleep [going to bed/sleep too late], lying awake worrying
- Comparing themselves to a group of people[friends] in unrealistic ways, with unrealistic standards
- Choosing to spend time relating in a fairly 'narrow' way to acquaintances over a phone or game which results in mis-interpretation , mis-communication and being able to avoid real consequences and the real results of things said.
- And more!
It’s difficult enough to learn how to relate to each other, how to see our differences and not judge, how to tell the truth without being unnecessarily hurtful, and how to be open to hearing a truth without trying to change the other or ourselves. How does all that work? How do we find out who we are in all its entirety, so we can be ourselves and learn how to manage our awkward side [shy, particularly sensitive, outspoken, emotional, super bright, laid back, stubborn, loving organisation, loving art but not work, getting easily frustrated]??? What makes us happy? Fulfilled? Excited?
It takes love, time and practice to end up feeling reasonable competent at relationships. It is common to want to avoid or put off this learning. Well, truth is, we’re all learning this stuff our whole lives!
So, needless to say, there is no magic pill. It takes motivation and commitment to bring about change. I cannot tell you right now what you need to do to feel better about a trouble you might have. Every single person and family I see is slightly different. People come to things through different doors and at different speeds. There are some common themes though.
- Becoming more aware of yourself and your reactions is an important first step, because then you can adjust yourself. If you don’t know something you can’t change it. I can help you become more aware. More conscious of yourself. This is exciting!
- Some easy communication skills can really help nearly every situation eg. ‘I’ messages and reflective listening
- Checking on your belief system is useful. If you have a belief that you should never hurt anybody this will make life very stressful.....because you are not responsible for other peoples' reactions. You may contribute to their feelings but they choose the final outcome. You know, most of us want to be liked by everyone. We know that’s impossible, but the 30% who are allowed not to like us never include the person in front of us right now....
And so much more.
That’s what I’m here for.
Let’s talk about FEELING CONFUSED.
One of the most common reasons for this is because the SPIRIT, MIND, HEART and /or BODY are not aligned, not singing the same tune, not pulling together or, at worst, wanting completely different things. Here are some examples.
- When you’re in love with someone who you believe logically is not right for you. (heart vs mind).
- When everyone tells you a certain person is good for but you don’t feel attracted to them.
- When you know that exercise is good for you but you just can’t get round to it.
- When you know you need to change your diet but you keep eating the less-than-ideal foods all the time.
- When you know if you don’t go to bed earlier you won’t function well the next day but you keep staying up late anyway.
- When you know that drinking or partying is going to cause trouble in your life but you often do it.
- When you buy something you can’t afford
- When you are angry for no particular reason, sad when it doesn’t make sense, or feeling unmotivated although everything about your life looks honky – dory to an outsider. [Spirit not aligned to mind?]
- When some part of your body is in pain long after it should have healed and feel better.
If you stop and think about it these things may seem confusing. I’ll just choose one of these examples and suggest a couple of possible ways of understanding it. Let’s take the first one where you are in love with somebody who you believe is not good for you.
In one version of this example you are absolutely besotted with a person who may hurt you emotionally on a regular basis, why would you stay with them? Maybe they put you down, leave you out of their activities or are just not supportive of the kind of life you want to lead. Whatever keeps you in there must be stronger than the hurt and frustration you experience. What would that be?
So I’m going to say LOVE. Well that’s stupid I hear someone say. Now allow me a little poetic license please, I have to use my imagination, based on similar stories I’ve heard quite a few times. Imagine you are a person who has got completely used to not getting your emotional needs met throughout your whole life, this state of affairs feels completely normal. When a new opportunity comes along you will automatically choose what feels familiar. Anything else feels wrong even though on one level it’s wanted. Feeling loved doesn’t feel right so you chose a person who doesn’t make you feel loved, it’s familiar. Annoying ahe? Hey, if you feel like arguing with me that's good. You're right, there is often more to it, but it's individual and is a bit complicated for now.
In the second scenario you are a person who is in love and also believe logically it's not right for you, but this time it is because you are so used to thinking of yourself as an independent and high-functioning human-being (who doesn’t need anybody). It is very disconcerting to see yourself become weak. Why do you become so weak around this one person? Weak might mean bursting into tears unexpectedly, might mean longing to see them all the time, might mean feeling unmotivated to do your normal tasks when they are around.
So how is this for an idea. All of us are whole human beings. We have a little bit of absolutely everything inside us, even a little bit of ‘need to be needy’ too. Times when we just want to collapse, be enclosed, surrender and trust somebody else will pick up the strings, be looked after, be accepted with no ‘buts’, be small, soft, irrational and not mindful of the rest (whatever it is). The heart needs this.
We all have a part like this inside us, there are many reasons why we may not recognise it. If it is normally ignored then it might eventually become quite strong. It can’t go away, it is part of you. So when you meet a person who satisfies that part of you YOU WANT IT! And won’t let go.
So that’s all I’m going to say for now. The idea that each of us is a whole person with absolutely everything inside us can be wonderfully liberating if you haven’t thought about it before. There are perfectly understandable reasons if things are not in balance or some bits are hiding!
What I will add though is that I’ve found functioning as a whole person is a whole lot more comfortable (and powerful) for mein everyday life.